Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
