dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
