but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
