I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you would pick up someone in the library
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
