Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
