There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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