This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
