This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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