So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
