he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
