need another drink. this is the easiest way
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
