Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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