i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
