OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
