She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
