I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
