im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
