Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
