i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
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Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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