i love accidental penises.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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