The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I pour the whiskey from now on
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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