hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
