Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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