Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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