I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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