Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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