We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
