Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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