she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
