I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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