I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
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He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
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My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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