I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I deserve this hangover.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
