took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
