so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
