i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
