I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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