dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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