why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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