you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
