Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
