No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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