Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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