One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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