There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
