she looked like the bat from fern gully.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
