I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
