I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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