Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Another day, another engagement, another cat
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
