I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
