On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
