If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
