i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
