TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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