Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
