I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
