How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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