i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
