There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
