then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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